In this article, my focus is not on making new habits, but rather on how to MAINTAIN them. I recently lost 25 pounds. I used many of the techniques (e.g., being mindful of what I ate, writing it down, and being very public about my goal) to change some of my bad habits. However, maintaining weight loss is even trickier than losing it. Unfortunately, according to most statistics, the long-term success rates of most weight-loss programs are not high. However, there are things you can do that can help you to maintain good habits and avoid potential obstacles.

In this article, I will focus on some of the ideas that have helped me to maintain my habits and reach my goals. Many of the ideas described in this article come from The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think like a Thin Person by Judith Beck. So, if you want to lose some weight, increase your patience as a parent, or be more efficient in the morning (I think I covered almost everyone with my examples), read below.

Make an Advantage Card: An advantage card lists the advantages of your goal(s) or new habit(s).  An advantage card for losing weight may include: will feel healthier, fit in my clothes better, not have pain in my feet, etc. An advantage card for being patient with your child during homework time may include: will feel better afterwards, my child will listen to me more, my son/daughter won’t be putting me in a nursing home, etc. Whatever habit you are trying to work on, make an advantage card and read it every day before you start your day. By reading the advantage card every day, you are setting yourself up for the day you want, rather than experiencing the day you fall into.

No Pain, No Gain: Jane Fonda in the 80’s was quoted as saying, “No pain, no gain.” Although no one expects you to suffer tremendous pain, a little bit of discomfort may be required. In the book, The Beck Diet Solution, one of the exercises Dr. Beck recommends is a mini fast (skipping lunch). The individual needs to fast from breakfast to dinner and write down how uncomfortable he/she feels each hour. What people discover is that, although they thought they would be miserable, they often only feel slightly uncomfortable.  More importantly, they learn that despite their discomfort, they can tolerate it. Furthermore, they learn that just because they feel uncomfortable, they don’t need to do anything about it. Many people report to Dr. Beck that this exercise was the most helpful exercise because they learn that they can feel hungry and won’t fall apart.

Stand Firm, No Wavering: This notion of “standing firm” has been for me, one of the most important ones. The idea is that whatever habit you decide to change, once you commit, you need to tell yourself that you are absolutely not going to give in and that there is no choice. It is the wavering that causes all the trouble. Once you start having a dialogue, “Should I eat the cookie, it is only one, I was so good today,” or “I know I am late, but it is only a few minutes, I’m sure it will be fine,” you have lost the battle! Don’t get into the dialogue, instead stand firm. I often think about this in terms of me being kosher. I don’t eat lobster. I am not tempted by lobster. It is a no-brainer and takes no willpower. It is because there is no choice and I never waver from that decision that it is easy for me. As Judith Beck says, “NO CHOICE, I can stand it.”

Remind Yourself of the Whole Story, Not Just the Beginning: Oftentimes, when we engage in a negative habit, we focus on how we immediately feel. Whether it is overeating, yelling at someone who has irritated us, or hitting the snooze button one more time, we tend to focus on the immediate gratification. However, what we fail to remember is the middle and the end to the story. I often say to my patients, “Don’t just think about the cover and the first page, think about pages 2 through 700.” We easily forget how we feel after we have overeaten, yelled at our son or daughter, or when we are late for work. However, the initial gratification only lasts a few seconds, whereas the rest of the story lasts much longer and often has more powerful consequences. It is important to ask yourself, after you have imagined the whole story, what feels better, the immediate gratification or the rest that follows?

Meditate: I mentioned this in the previous article, but it bears repeating — meditate. This is coming from someone with a Type A personality. Recent research has found that meditation provides us a way to have some control over our nervous system. Practicing mindfulness meditation for even a few minutes each day can help you better regulate your emotions and make better decisions. Paying attention to what’s happening in the moment, what’s going on in your body, your mind, and all around you, can make it easier to pay attention to choices you make throughout the day.

Planning and More Planning: As I mentioned before, there are not that many people who lose weight and maintain their weight loss. Since they are a unique group, the National Weight Control Registry was established to investigate the characteristics of those people who succeed at long-term weight loss. What they discovered was that the people who maintained their weight loss continued to plan and be thoughtful about their food choices for the rest of their lives. They didn’t go on a diet and then go off the diet. This is true for all negative habits. You need to be aware of what your obstacles are and plan for them. For example, Judith Beck and many nutritionists recommend not standing while eating. By making this proactive choice, you are taking a preventive measure that has been found to be incredibly helpful. Plan for your obstacles, rather than let them naturally unfold.

One Swan Doesn’t Make a Summer: We all face obstacles and we all have setbacks, but it is important not to let one setback push you away from your new and improved habits. Just because you yelled today doesn’t mean you will yell tomorrow. Just because you ate one donut doesn’t mean you need to eat the whole box. Don’t let a small mistake lead to an even bigger one.

Don’t Make It About “No” — Make It About “Yes”: Many people try to change a habit by resisting urges, using willpower and saying, “no”, However, the human mind doesn’t like being told “no”. Try this experiment with me. Don’t think about pink elephants, don’t think about pink elephants dancing, and don’t think about pink elephants ice skating or even hiking Bear Mountain. What happened to you when I said, “Don’t think about pink elephants.” I am sure that like most people, all you could think of were pink elephants. The same is true when we say “no” or “don’t” to our bad habits. All we can do is think about them. So how can you get around this? Make it about “yes”. Instead of saying to yourself, “I’m not going to eat that cake” remind yourself “I am doing this for my health and it’s worth it.” “Instead of saying, “I don’t want to wake up.” Remind yourself, “I really like getting to work a few minutes earlier so I’m not so rushed.” Highlight the positive aspects of your habits rather than focusing on the deprivation. This positive outlook will lead to less resistance and ultimately to more success.

Get Social Support and Make It Public: As I mentioned in the previous article, let others know that you are working on a goal and try to work on the goal together. By letting people know what you are doing, you pre-commit and have a better chance of both changing and maintaining your ways. When I attended Judith Beck’s lecture, she mentioned that conducting workshops on weight loss has kept her committed to keeping a healthy weight. With that sentiment in mind–I would like to thank all of you in advance for helping me stay committed.

If you liked this article, I highly recommend reading Judith Beck’s book, The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person. Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman works part-time in the Harrison schools and maintains a private practice in Scarsdale. She can be reached at (914) 646-9030. Other articles are available at drbaruchfeldman.com.

Judaism has always recognized the link between the way we treat animals and the way a person treats human beings. In the Bible, those who care for animals are often the heroes. For example, Moses and King David, heroes in the bible, were shepherds. In addition, several commandments demonstrate concern for the physical and psychological suffering of animals. For example, we are not permitted to kill an animal in the same day as its young (Lev: 22:28), and we are specifically commanded to send away a mother bird when taking the eggs (Deut 22:6-7) because of the psychological distress this would cause the animal.

The Torah obligates us to show concern for animals, not necessarily because the animals “deserve” our respect and compassion, but rather, in order to refine us, so that we become better human beings.

For example, the Talmud specifically states that Moses was chosen for his mission because of his skill in caring for animals. Likewise, Rebecca was chosen as a wife for Isaac because of her kindness to animals.

The experience of having and raising a dog has influenced me as a person as well. I hope that what I share with you today will influence you too.

1. Positive Relationship

“What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow man. This is the whole Torah; all the rest is commentary.”
Talmud Shabbat 31A

A great Rabbi named Hillel was asked to summarize the essence of Judaism while standing on one foot. He replied: “Certainly, What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow man. This is the whole Torah; all the rest is commentary.” (Talmud Shabbat 31A) This quote shows that Judaism recognizes the great importance of positive relationships.

The first and foremost thing I learned from having a dog is that nothing else can be accomplished if a positive relationship is not established. The same is true in my work with children and families. Whenever I work with parents and/or children in schools or in my practice, I always emphasize that nothing can be accomplished without first establishing a positive relationship. Think of the people in your life who you felt cared about you and treated you with respect and fairness. Weren’t you willing to do things for them because of your positive relationship?  How can you establish this positive relationship?  Get to really know your kids, pay attention to the small things, keep your commitments, and apologize when you have made a mistake.

Also, treat your relationship with your kids like a bank account. Every time you are kind, honest, trustworthy and responsible, you build up a reserve. In contrast, every time you make a mistake, overreact or ignore a child, you withdraw from the account. If you have been consistently making deposits into the “bank,” the relationship can handle it if you make a mistake. However, if you have not made many “deposits” and positive interactions haven’t occurred, then the bank account will be overdrawn. To make sure that your bank account doesn’t run out of “funds,” you need to make regular deposits. Also, the impact of a withdrawal depends on the amount of “money in the bank.” When there is a lot of money in the bank, taking out some money doesn’t really affect you. In contrast, if you only have a few dollars in the bank, taking out that same amount will be felt significantly. It is well worth the effort to make regular “deposits.” Remember-according to research, it takes seven nice actions to undue one negative behavior.

2. Warm Greeting

“Greet every human being with a warm, cheerful, and pleasant countenance.”
Pirkei Avot 1:15

Judaism recognizes the power of a warm greeting. A famous Rabbi, Rabbi Aryeh Levine, believed so much in hospitality that he would accompany his guests 10 feet out the door into the courtyard upon their leaving to show the importance of being sociable to guests.

One of the reasons people love dogs is that they are always excited to see you. When my children’s bus comes down the block, my dog’s tail starts to wag, which then turns into a full out wiggle, which ultimately turns into a full body twist as the kids enter the house. My dog reacts as if she is seeing her long lost friend after 100 years. Now, my dog just saw my kids in the morning, but you could never tell by her greeting. We can learn a lot from Brandy. Every day, be excited to see your children. Greet them with a huge smile and lots of energy. Make them feel that they are the people that you have been waiting for all your life.

3. Consistency

“Repeated positive actions will generally lead to a positive routine.”
Pirkei Avot 4:2

If you really think about it, Judaism is all about rules and structure. There are laws about how to interact with others and laws about how to interact with G-d. Why are there laws? Because laws create structure and consistency. Furthermore, by having clear expectations for behavior, you know what is expected of you and therefore will be more likely to achieve it.

It is essential when owning a dog to be consistent. For example, you can’t one day allow your dog to sleep in your bed and then the next day change your mind. My son the other day said to Brandy, “Do you want to play the guitar?” Now at the moment, he thought this was cute. But, I didn’t, because he can’t expect Brandy to think it is okay today to touch the guitar, but then tomorrow be angry when all the strings are broken because she has touched it.

The same is true with children. Have clear expectations for them and stick to them. It is unfair to allow the children, for example, to stay up late, but then the next day not to allow it. By being consistent, routines will be internalized and it will be easier for everyone to follow the rules of the house.

4. Drop the Leash: Create Win-Win Scenarios

“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
Leviticus 19:18

How many of you have heard of the concept of drop the rope? Drop the leash is a derivation of this. For those of you who are not familiar with this term, many children come to you with a rope that they want you to grab onto. They are looking for a debate and someone to grab their “leash” and their negative energy. Don’t grab onto this leash. Instead drop it and react in a way that you will be proud of. This can be achieved by modeling for your child an appropriate way to handle frustration rather than mirroring back out-of-control behavior. Try to understand what lies beneath the child’s actions. Understanding leads to empathy, and empathy gets rid of anger. By pausing to understand the reasons why a child may have said something inappropriate, you can better control your response. Remember, as a parent you can be a tremendous role model if you are able to pause to understand before you react, especially when you are feeling frustrated.

The famous story of Moses and the rock shows the danger of grabbing the rope. The book of Numbers describes an episode in which Moses becomes outraged at the Israelites’ incessant whining about water. G-d directs Moses to speak to a large rock from which he will then send water to satisfy the people’s thirst. But, Moses still furious at the Israelites for their many years of complaining, disobeys G-d’s command and strikes the rock instead of speaking to it (grabs the rope). Moses paid dearly for his loss of self-control in that G-d denied him entry into the land of Israel.

5. It’s a Beagle, It’s a Lab, It’s Temperament

“Teach a child according to his abilities.”
Mishlei 22:6

There is a concept in Judaism to teach a child according to his abilities. This is portrayed well in the Passover Haggadah in the story of the 4 sons: the wise son, the wicked son, the simple son, and the son who did not know how to ask. When discussing how to answer the four sons’ questions, there isn’t this notion that one should only answer the wise son’s question or that the same answer can be given to all four sons. Rather, each answer is tailored for the specific needs of the child. The wise son isn’t the only important son, but rather all four sons are given equal time and responded to according to their needs.

The example above illustrates that children come with distinct temperaments. Recognize each child’s temperament and work within it. Have reasonable expectations – just like you can’t get a beagle to be a lab. You can’t get Joe who is highly active and distractible to be reserved and pensive. By setting more reasonable expectations, both you and your child will feel more successful.

6. Learning Acceptance

“Just as we love ourselves despite the faults we know we have, so should we love our neighbors despite the faults we see in them.”
Israel Baal Shem Tov

As you can clearly see, I love my dog. However, there are things I don’t like. She barks too much in the morning and sometimes barks in the middle of the night. Also, there is a period around 7:00 P.M. that she just goes nuts. Although I am still trying to work on these issues, I also have learned to ACCEPT that a) she is a dog and b) she isn’t perfect.

Learning to be more accepting is something that is essential in all relationships. It is important with your child to accept that there will be things that they say and do that you may not like. However, you need to look at the big picture and not sweat the small stuff. An attitude of true acceptance will allow you to enjoy the ride without being thrown off by the bumps in the road.

7. Treat Each Day as a New Day

“Judge on the side of merit; give the benefit of the doubt.”

Pirkei Avot 1:6

People say that dogs have no long-term memory. Each day (and probably each hour) is brand new. We can learn a lot from dogs regarding their ability to forgive and forget. This isn’t something that comes easily to humans. We hold grudges and tend to see people whom we struggle with in the same negative light even as time passes.

For certain children it can be hard to forgive and forget. Some children have bad days. Some children are more challenging. It is easy to get on a treadmill of resentment and not get off.  By assuming that tomorrow will once again be challenging and that tomorrow will also be a bad day, you are setting yourself up for failure.

Rabbi Abraham Twerski, a psychiatrist, reminds us that by forgoing or suppressing our grudge, we profit far more than the one who offended us. Rabbi Twerski who treats alcoholics and addicts quotes a recovered alcoholic as saying, “Carrying resentment is like letting someone whom you don’t like live inside your head rent free.”

By setting positive expectations, treating each day as new, and giving each child a fresh start, you are setting a tone for your child of which you can be proud.

Owning a dog is a lot of responsibility. It is hard work and requires early mornings. But, the process is full of love and deeply rewarding. I hope that my experience as a dog owner, a parent, and a psychologist, will help you see your role as a parent similarly—and pray that it brings you joy, fulfillment, and a real sense of accomplishment.

Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman works part-time in the Harrison schools and maintains a private practice in Scarsdale. In addition, she is co-president of Parents and Professionals Advocating for Students (PAPAS) an advocacy support group at Westchester Day School in Mamaroneck. She can be reached at (914) 646-9030.